How do people know so many things? Am I Dumb?

I consider myself to be a reasonably intelligent person, but there are a lot of simple concepts that I have absolutely no excuse for not understanding.

Some examples: Time, dates, and places - someone send me back to grade school Billy Madison style ASAP.

TIME: I could not read an analog clock until...I pretty much still can't actually.  To be fair, I can, but in the way where I have to stare at it for a long time and mentally think out which hand means what and the meaning of where they fall in between the given numbers.  I can read analog clocks the way a 6 year old can add 5+7, but they have to literally count out all the numbers, probably out loud and on their hands, and maybe get it wrong once before arriving at the correct answer.  Whereas a regularly functioning adult human can just automatically conclude "the answer is 12", or "it's 6:45am" - I cannot. 

So smart people can relate - this is what it feels like when I try to read an analog clock.

"It is...43 and 1/2 O'clock."

Here is a shameful example of something I did recently; I work with children at one of my jobs (another controversial fact of my life), and one of them asked me what time the clock said in front of a large group of children and adults.  The sheer pressure of answering this question in combination with my anxiety about analog clocks, left me frozen, so I just decided to give her this look like "C'mon, you know what time the clock says."  Which was probably really cruel in retrospect, and in fact she got offended by my perceived condescending look.  She was all, "That's not funny, I really don't know how to read it."  I wanted to scream, me either, thank God I found another one like me - and then grab her in a comforting embrace!  Thankfully, while my brain scrambled to figure out what to do, one of the other children easily recited the time, which added a new level of embarrassment mixed with relief.



"Let me see...if Jesus came back to life after the 3rd day...and last year was a leap year...that means Flag Day will fall on the second Tuesday in April and I am not allowed to wear white pants anymore."

DATES: I also have no idea when well-known holidays, or birthdays of my family members are; just straight up no idea.   I just figured out last year that Christmas is December 25th, prior to that I was only reasonably confident that Christmas A) happened in winter and B) more specifically around the end of December. This still left a range of at least 10-11 possible days in which Christmas could be.  First of all, can we just admit that there are way too many holidays, and then on top of that some of them fall on the 3rd Sunday of something and change every year depending on leap years or something...that is just impossible to keep track of - pick a date and stick with, that's what I say. 

As far as not knowing my friends and family member's birthdays; the only excuse I have is total, wholesale ego-mania.  I definitely know MY birthday, other then that I have to collect a ton of context clues to decipher when other people's fall; example of how I do this in my head "I remember my dad's birthday is before September 11th (strangely morbid, but a memorable date) and after mine, so it must be in the beginning of September".  The only two holidays I know without reference are Fourth of July (can't screw that one up) and New Years Eve; no joke.



"According to my calculations, we're fucked."

DIRECTIONS:  How the fuck do people know which direction they're going.  I still don't get this.  If you place a map in front of me with a little compass on it and I can tell you North, East, South, and West until I'm blue in the face, but other then that I am at a complete loss. 

My boyfriend for example, can be in the hallway of a building, in a town he has never been to before, and be like "We're southwest of Lake Tahoe right now", how the fuck do you know this?  Or maybe we're lost in the woods and he'll just look into the sky and say "Just keep heading East and we'll be out of here in no time."  Really?? Will we??  Are you some type of direction wizard or something?  Reveal to me your magic or I will kill you out of fear! 

Even more embarrassing; I pretty much only know the street I live on, that's it.  I have more or less driven the same highways and roads my entire life.  It could be my 400th trip going to my parents house and my dad will call to see where I am and I cannot tell him whether I am on 495, 95, or 93 and forget about adding 495N or 93S into the mix, that is a complete loss.  Instead I'll say something like, "Remember where that Friendly's Restaurant was when I was five, but then they closed it?  That's where I am."  That is how my brain works.

Hopefully, I will just never get stranded on the side of a road in the winter, have a child I am responsible for disseminating practical knowledge to, or be in charge of leading the new world in some post-apocalyptic scenario.

In summation; I'm dumb, signs rule, lets nix some of the holidays because it is seriously getting out of hand, and digital clocks for life!!!!



My Boyfriend sucks at texting

So basically my boyfriend and I are total opposites when it comes to the world of virtual communication (is that a term?). What I am trying to say is non face-to-face interaction; we're bad at it. 

There are several rational reasons for this, but it still drives me nuts.

• He is 12 years older then me and thinks I live in a world of TTYLs and Justin Bieber Tiger Beat posters
• He sort of lives on the fringe of society, doesn't cut his hair, not a giant facebooker, etc.
• He is dude and is not highly emotive or overly loquacious; especially when it comes to things like 'texting'
• If I had it my way he would hit me up 24/7 with sweet nothings and inside jokes (which in reality would probably drive me insane), so perhaps I am a bit skewed on what an acceptable amount of texting actually is.

Now before I make him look like a total prick and me like a psycho (the second assumption may be fair); I should preface the post by saying he is by far the coolest/nicest guy I have ever dated.  We live together so he sees me and has to deal with my B/S constantly, yet still grins and bears it, always appearing to listen - even if secretly he is thinking about pizza or something.  Because of this, I sort of grant him a reprieve when he sucks at texting, but I still need to rib him about it because I am sadistic like that.

"So I told Karen, I love dogs, but I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of responsibility"
"Yeah, Karen always does that to you (When the F!*K is she going to shut up?  I wonder if Karen is single?)"

To illustrate a common text-ual interaction between us I have copied one below:

(Introduction to what is going on: I am a little manic and got it in my head we should buy a lake house - which is ridiculous for several reasons, 1 - being I am 24 and broke, 2 - he is already building us a house we can't afford right now.  This is how the conversation begins.)


ME: "Ok Chris, I just emailed you 6 houses, one of which we shall purchase.  Please confirm receipt of this text so I know you are taking me seriously.  Also, my family is vacationing in that area next week so we go too and see all of them!"

(He is probably thinking - how exciting, we get to waste time looking at houses we can't afford and vacation with your parents!)

(....Time passes, no answer..but I had expected this -

I decide to text again....)

ME: "You Fail. F. For fail." (I am clever)

BOYFRIEND: "I'm working donkey." 
(I tell myself this is a term of endearment)

ME:  "All the poor people who call and text you between the hours of 8-5 must be so confused and worried about how you never answer, maybe we will get together and start a support group called "The Forgotten", except I have a feeling I will be the creator & sole member of said group - just a flat out lonely existence for poor old me."

BOYFRIEND: "Thank God you are not too dramatic."

ME: "Now that I have your attention, what are we doing/not doing tonight since I have to work tomorrow night and thus must maximize tonight's awesomeness potential."  (That is my underhanded way of complaining about how we don't go out enough)

BOYFRIEND: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." (Seriously, that is what he texted me.)









ME: "Shooting virtual death rays at you with my brain."

This is why I'm weird Part 2, (this is about to get real weird)

The Mysteries of Nature

 



Can someone explain to me why I have gotten my period for 12 years and still think I am dying for 3.5 seconds everytime it's that time of the month.

It doesn't matter how many weeks I have been through the same disgusting cycle, I will inevitably have a moment when I either get horrifying cramps that make me sure my insides are in imminent danger of falling out of my body and becoming my outsides, or (boys stop reading here, seriously, stop it.) I have a 'blood clot' so large (I will use this term loosely because I really have no idea if that is the medical term for this shiz) that I am positive I had a demon baby, miscarried, or am shedding a forgotten conjoined twin.  So awful, sorry for the visual, but does this happen to anyone else???  And I am not kidding when I say that I panic alone on the toilet for like a minute straight about whether I should call 911, text a picture of it to my nurse friend from college, or go bury it in the backyard in a small, but heartfelt ceremony. I literally have to convince myself some tragedy did not just take place, and then remind myself I am an adult and this is totally normal even if I am not.

SEQUENCE OF EVENTS:

 



^ Me (if I was a cat)

"Yeah, that's definitely not normal..."

"...now go back to heaven, or hell, or wherever you came from..."

REPEAT SEQUENCE EVERY 3 WEEKS

My friend who is normal told me that Dr. Oz said this means I have a hormonal imbalance.  Thank you Dr. Oz, obviously I have a hormonal imbalance.  Do you know how many hormones we have flowing around in our bodies, plus do you know how insane I am?  If I didn't have a hormonal imbalance then I would be really concerned.  If Dr. Oz can tell me how not to let those imbalanced hormones sabotage my personal life and career for 1 week a month then I will give him the fucking Nobel Peace Prize. (Editors note: If my hormones actually only derailed my personal life/career 1 week out of the month I would give my period the Nobel Peace Prize, but not really because I don't actually have that authority, but maybe I could buy a ribbon or make it a crafty plaque).

Anways now that you have blocked this URL and cleared it from your user history, thanks for stopping by, it was good knowing you, anddd have a great life.

Things that are weird about me...

Here is my narcisistic post where I imagine people give a shit about these things, but hey whatever, maybe you're secretly weird too, and you can imagine we have a secret weird kinship or something. 
 

(I'll try and keep this post a regular thing and by regular I mean this is probably the last time so enjoy.)

1) I consistently choose the worst fucking line to go into for the tolls. There is some anti-mathematical chaos theory that conspires against me. I'm not kidding, there could be a line of 10 cars and I'll choose the line of 1 and it turns out to be the boother's long lost cousin Jeanine who only has 47,000 pennies and is lost. I also am to lazy to buy an EZ Pass; so maybe that's weirder?  PS. stop asking for fucking directions at the toll booth, its 2013 use your Iphone & take a hard left into a lake.

"I can see your tits."

2) I use way too much toilet paper...yes I just said that.  I dont really know why this happens?  I'm not making obscenely large bowel movements or anything, I just end up wrapping my hand up like a mummy in an ice storm and before I know it half the damn roll is gone.  I think your parents teach you how to wipe your ass, so fuck you very much mom, toilet paper is embarassing to buy at high frequencies or large quantities, especially as a woman.

"Still not clean...still not clean..."

"See ya bitches."

3) Sometimes I just do not say hi to people I know.  I see you, I see you seeing me, then I just see some other shit & keep walking.  Just because we knew each other in college, met at the bar, or are biologically related does not mean I want to talk to you about that mutual friend neither one of us really talk to anymore, the weather, and then make a bunch of empty promises about how we'll definitely get together soon for tapas & sangria because "it has been way too long!".  This is actually sneaky genius, because next time you see me you will Definitely have no desire to say hello, thus relieving me of the burden of my own awesomeness.  I should probably work on this quality...

 

Craigslist - the societal black hole.

Where do I sign up?!?

Ahh Craigslist...how I love thee.  I spent an entire summer interning for an actual government office (this is the first unbelievable fact). 

The second more reasonable assertion - is that since I was the only person not in law school & barely qualified to run a copy machine, let alone write legal briefs, they had me monitor Craigslist.  This was not an actual position they had open, it was made to accomodate my underqualified juvenile ass.

Anways, yes I literally spent a summer reading about people who want to pay other people to shit & piss on them as they give handjobs to buff jock undergrads in a parking lot. 

"In case you can't read this...he wants another dude to come over and jerk off with him on a model train set, then stomp around like monsters and kick the trains and buildings over.  Oh yeah, he also has a ton of imitation crab meat in his freezer in case they're hungry.  Of course he does, why wouldn't he??? YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP PEOPLE!

You're definitely probably normal, right?

I would be lying if I didn't say this was the best job I have ever had. 

I'm gonna give you a fancy link to read, but honestly just check out the one in your area.  Looking at your local Craigslist is like taking a scenic nature walk in the woods when you decide to lift up a beautiful old log, only to find it crawling with breeding larvae underneath.  It is the societal underbelly & it is right next door...

If you can pretend to not be a complete prude for five minutes you will find a black hole of unintentional entertainment & depraved hilarity that hits too close to home. 

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/all/

My personal Recommendations: (if you never want to feel safe leaving home again)
For the romantic delusional lonar- Missed Connections
For the true perverted sadist - Casual Connections

People my age who piss me off - aka. hipsters

I look like I'm not trying, right?

Hipsters,

FYI you are irritating...also spoiled and delusional. So what that for the 6 months you studied abroad in Europe you dressed like this everyday?  You're not in fucking Europe anymore; you probably never were.


By all standards you are a recognizable adult, yet you use a refined version of the same attention seeking behaviors I used when I was 13, like wearing eccentric accessories and talking loudly about inappropriate shit in public just to make other people cringe. 



"Have you ever heard of Che Guevera?  He's the guy on that T-shirt I wear all the fucking time. Yeah, he was like this revolutionary communist, or Marxist, or umm socialist, or whatever the thing is that is cooler than Capitalism.  Anyways, have you heard of the 99%?"

Boho Chic coffee shop girl,  Skateboard dude that looks homeless on purpose, and bearded guy with the fake vintage tee shirt.  Let's break this shit down for a second.  You are purposely recreating the look of people who are actually poor & don't give a shit because they have real life shit to worry about - by spending inordinate amounts of daddy's money using the attention to detail of Hannibal Lector, to find overpriced items worn out by machines because you care too much.  A fourth grader who just learned about context clues could find the astounding ironies in this. 





OMG, I just got back from Coachella, it was boss.  I didn't even have to take any time off of work, because work is for assholes.

PS. You are not all good at art, you don't really have better taste in music than regular people, and we all know you try harder at 2PM on a Wednesday (because you somehow don't need to work?) than I do at 9PM on a Saturday night when I'm getting ready for the club to blow off some steam I earned being a fucking adult.



I ride my skateboard everywhere (except the elevator).

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU - BECAUSE YOUR BATSHIT CRAZY

My rampant insecurity is attractive, right?

So I have been watching HBO's GIRLS, & by watching I mean ravenously consuming them like a fat white trash family at a hotel buffet. In episode 3 that awkward virginy one tries to gives the annoyingly cool British one (do you capitalize that?) some "He's Just Not that Into You" type book that explains to women how to hide all their naturally neurotic tendencies so guys will dump them at 6 months instead of 3.

This is so fucking true. Everytime I am feeling 1/2 way decent about my life, I find myself at a nail salon, getting shit talked in Mandarin, reading a wrinkled/ripped 3 month old copy of Cosmo that is riddled with the Rhino Virus, when I come upon some article like "How to Please Your Man" or "How you Know He's Not the One". 

I will inevitably hate read the shit out of these until I go from thinking I'm cool, secure, & well liked, to unsexy, insecure, & naive.  If you're not a completely vapid moron you will  hear a small voice in your head that whispers "stop it, stop it, stop it - this shit is the fucking devil." But you won't, you will be weak & read it all the way through until you are convinced your whole life is mostly wrong by your design.  Now your pampered trip to the salon has become an expensive pity party.

2 B's, 1 C, & 4D's....does that mean he is cheating on me with my mom or my dog?

Then, you will more than likely go to Barnes & Noble buy 'He's Just Not that Into You', get jacked up on woman power, call your boyfriend & demand to know why he doesn't validate you.

Instead of accomplishing feeling good about yourself & working towards a better relationship, you have just become an angry depressed irrational nazi whose boyfriend likes them less.

"Girl: OK, let's go at the same time!  Ready - 1,2,3..
Boy: I think we should see other people.../Girl: I LOVE YOU! Wait, what?"

As the great Lena Dunham explained, "Yeah, I hate read that book."  I mean there are some generically good tips in them like: If a guy bangs you on the 1st date and never calls you back - calling him 1 million times & asking his friends about him probs ain't gonna get him to come to Christmas dinner.  Also behaving that way makes you a total asshat who more then likely does not read books anyway; in which case good luck & use protection.

Stripper fail compilation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0Nmeijq-Xc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

It's not about how you dance the pole, but getting back on when you inevitably fall off and look like a dick.

What do you wear when the season is changing? HELP

How to stay cool and look hot in funky weather :)

"Doesn't matter, I'm hot...this doesn't apply to you, seriously dont' try it, you will look like a bag lady" - Kate Moss

When can you start full out wearing your fall and/or summer wardrobe?  I'm terrible at season transitions and these fall-summer hybrid outfits are making me feel schizophrenic.
 

Like, what are the rules to incorporating warmer clothing/less clothing, do you slowly introduce a scarf here or daisy dukes there OR do you have to fullout switch?  Like one day you just walk outside and proclaim "FROM THIS DAY FORTH IT IS SUMMER MOTHERFUCKERS"(while quietly shivering in your flip flops as the person passing you in a puffer jacket stares skeptically).
 

"Let summer commence ya'll!"

What are the Summer to Fall/Winter to Spring no-no's???

Is it okay to combine a....

• Sweater and Shorts?
• Shorts and Boots?
• Tank top, jeans, and boots?
• Scarf and tank top?
• Scarf and shorts?
• etc.

Give me your input!

Tan Mom

Desiree 

  posted 30 Nov. 2009, 2:40 pm (5 moms have responded) 

I am a tanning bed junkie. I know it's horrible! I was wondering if anyone brings their kids/baby into the room when they tan? I was thinking of bringing my baby into the tanning bed room and facing him towards the wall and of course completley covered up by a blanket so no light gets in. I was wondering what other mom's think of this?

circleofmoms.com 

Ok, let me get this straight...you want to bring your teeny itty bitty baby that is helpless and literally cannot roll over or clean its own shit into a dark room filled with penetrating ultraviolet rays, plop it down in a corner, hope it doesnt fall over like a humpty dumpty doll. Then just for safe measure - you want to throw a fucking blanket over the entire baby (because you really love it) in your swelteringly hot cancer motel while you take a 20 minute death nap and hope it doesnt suffocate???

Worst mom ever.  Everyone knows you need should only spray tan your baby.

PS. THIS. 
Tan Mom's New Music Video. Yep, that's a thing that exists.