Friday, June 28, 2013

My Boyfriend sucks at texting

So basically my boyfriend and I are total opposites when it comes to the world of virtual communication (is that a term?). What I am trying to say is non face-to-face interaction; we're bad at it. 

There are several rational reasons for this, but it still drives me nuts.

  • He is 12 years older then me and thinks I live in a world of TTYLs and Justin Bieber Tiger Beat posters
  • He sort of lives on the fringe of society, doesn't cut his hair, not a giant facebooker, etc.
  • He is dude and is not highly emotive or overly loquacious; especially when it comes to things like 'texting'
  • If I had it my way he would hit me up 24/7 with sweet nothings and inside jokes (which in reality would probably drive me insane), so perhaps I am a bit skewed on what an acceptable amount of texting actually is.

Now before I make him look like a total prick and me like a psycho (the second assumption may be fair); I should preface the post by saying he is by far the coolest/nicest guy I have ever dated.  We live together so he sees me and has to deal with my B/S constantly, yet still grins and bears it, always appearing to listen - even if secretly he is thinking about pizza or something.  Because of this, I sort of grant him a reprieve when he sucks at texting, but I still need to rib him about it because I am sadistic like that.

"So I told Karen, I love dogs, but I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of responsibility"
"Yeah, Karen always does that to you (When the F!*K is she going to shut up?  I wonder if Karen is single?)"

To illustrate a common text-ual interaction between us I have copied one below:

(Introduction to what is going on: I am a little manic and got it in my head we should buy a lake house - which is ridiculous for several reasons, 1 - being I am 24 and broke, 2 - he is already building us a house we can't afford right now.  This is how the conversation begins.)

ME: "Ok Chris, I just emailed you 6 houses, one of which we shall purchase.  Please confirm receipt of this text so I know you are taking me seriously.  Also, my family is vacationing in that area next week so we go too and see all of them!"
(He is probably thinking - how exciting, we get to waste time looking at houses we can't afford and vacation with your parents!)

(....Time passes, no answer..but I had expected this -
I decide to text again....)
ME: "You Fail. F. For fail." (I am clever)

BOYFRIEND: "I'm working donkey." 
(I tell myself this is a term of endearment)

ME:  "All the poor people who call and text you between the hours of 8-5 must be so confused and worried about how you never answer, maybe we will get together and start a support group called "The Forgotten", except I have a feeling I will be the creator & sole member of said group - just a flat out lonely existence for poor old me."

BOYFRIEND: "Thank God you are not too dramatic."

ME: "Now that I have your attention, what are we doing/not doing tonight since I have to work tomorrow night and thus must maximize tonight's awesomeness potential."  (That is my underhanded way of complaining about how we don't go out enough)

BOYFRIEND: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." (Seriously, that is what he texted me.)

ME: "Shooting virtual death rays at you with my brain."


  1. This was hilarious. I especially liked the pictures of the little girl and John McCain with the huge phone - lol. Seriously, this made me laugh so much. But I'm reading and commenting on this because I am in a similar situation and it makes me want to PULL OUT ALL MY HAIR. My boyfriend is 8 years older than me and we have an amazing relationship...when we're together. When we're apart, like now I'm on vacation with my family, the only texts I get from him are short, onomatopoetic words like "bloop." Bloop? Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME AND WANT TO TALK TO ME YOU CRUEL SHITHEAD??? Anyway, that's my feedback.

  2. Haha, I feel your pain girl! You may try opening up the lines of communication in a non-confrontational way and letting him know that even if he doesn't mean to - sometimes it makes you feel bummed out; but old dogs don't always like to learn new tricks as they say! Best of luck and thanks for reading!