Friday, October 5, 2012

Craigslist - the societal black hole.

Where do I sign up?!?
Ahh I love thee.  I spent an entire summer interning for an actual government office (this is the first unbelievable fact). 

The second more reasonable assertion - is that since I was the only person not in law school & barely qualified to run a copy machine, let alone write legal briefs, they had me monitor Craigslist.  This was not an actual position they had open, it was made to accomodate my underqualified juvenile ass.

Anways, yes I literally spent a summer reading about people who want to pay other people to shit & piss on them as they give handjobs to buff jock undergrads in a parking lot. 
"In case you can't read this...he wants another dude to come over and jerk off with him on a model train set, then stomp around like monsters and kick the trains and buildings over.  Oh yeah, he also has a ton of imitation crab meat in his freezer in case they're hungry.  Of course he does, why wouldn't he??? YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP PEOPLE!

You're definitely probably normal, right?
I would be lying if I didn't say this was the best job I have ever had. 

I'm gonna give you a fancy link to read, but honestly just check out the one in your area.  Looking at your local Craigslist is like taking a scenic nature walk in the woods when you decide to lift up a beautiful old log, only to find it crawling with breeding larvae underneath.  It is the societal underbelly & it is right next door...

If you can pretend to not be a complete prude for five minutes you will find a black hole of unintentional entertainment & depraved hilarity that hits too close to home.

My personal Recommendations: (if you never want to feel safe leaving home again)
For the romantic delusional lonar- Missed Connections
For the true perverted sadist - Casual Connections

Friday, July 27, 2012

People my age who piss me off - aka. hipsters

I look like I'm not trying, right?


FYI you are irritating...also spoiled and delusional. So what that for the 6 months you studied abroad in Europe you dressed like this everyday?  You're not in fucking Europe anymore; you probably never were.

By all standards you are a recognizable adult, yet you use a refined version of the same attention seeking behaviors I used when I was 13, like wearing eccentric accessories and talking loudly about inappropriate shit in public just to make other people cringe. 

"Have you ever heard of Che Guevera?  He's the guy on that T-shirt I wear all the fucking time. Yeah, he was like this revolutionary communist, or Marxist, or umm socialist, or whatever the thing is that is cooler than Capitalism.  Anyways, have you heard of the 99%?"

Boho Chic coffee shop girl,  Skateboard dude that looks homeless on purpose, and bearded guy with the fake vintage tee shirt.  Let's break this shit down for a second.  You are purposely recreating the look of people who are actually poor & don't give a shit because they have real life shit to worry about - by spending inordinate amounts of daddy's money using the attention to detail of Hannibal Lector, to find overpriced items worn out by machines because you care too much.  A fourth grader who just learned about context clues could find the astounding ironies in this. 

OMG, I just got back from Coachella, it was boss.  I didn't even have to take any time off of work, because work is for assholes.

PS. You are not all good at art, you don't really have better taste in music than regular people, and we all know you try harder at 2PM on a Wednesday (because you somehow don't need to work?) than I do at 9PM on a Saturday night when I'm getting ready for the club to blow off some steam I earned being a fucking adult.

I ride my skateboard everywhere (except the elevator).

Thursday, July 19, 2012


My rampant insecurity is attractive, right?

So I have been watching HBO's GIRLS, & by watching I mean ravenously consuming them like a fat white trash family at a hotel buffet. In episode 3 that awkward virginy one tries to gives the annoyingly cool British one (do you capitalize that?) some "He's Just Not that Into You" type book that explains to women how to hide all their naturally neurotic tendencies so guys will dump them at 6 months instead of 3.

This is so fucking true. Everytime I am feeling 1/2 way decent about my life, I find myself at a nail salon, getting shit talked in Mandarin, reading a wrinkled/ripped 3 month old copy of Cosmo that is riddled with the Rhino Virus, when I come upon some article like "How to Please Your Man" or "How you Know He's Not the One". 

I will inevitably hate read the shit out of these until I go from thinking I'm cool, secure, & well liked, to unsexy, insecure, & naive.  If you're not a completely vapid moron you will  hear a small voice in your head that whispers "stop it, stop it, stop it - this shit is the fucking devil." But you won't, you will be weak & read it all the way through until you are convinced your whole life is mostly wrong by your design.  Now your pampered trip to the salon has become an expensive pity party.
2 B's, 1 C, & 4D's....does that mean he is cheating on me with my mom or my dog?

Then, you will more than likely go to Barnes & Noble buy 'He's Just Not that Into You', get jacked up on woman power, call your boyfriend & demand to know why he doesn't validate you.

Instead of accomplishing feeling good about yourself & working towards a better relationship, you have just become an angry depressed irrational nazi whose boyfriend likes them less.

"Girl: OK, let's go at the same time!  Ready - 1,2,3..
Boy: I think we should see other people.../Girl: I LOVE YOU! Wait, what?"

As the great Lena Dunham explained, "Yeah, I hate read that book."  I mean there are some generically good tips in them like: If a guy bangs you on the 1st date and never calls you back - calling him 1 million times & asking his friends about him probs ain't gonna get him to come to Christmas dinner.  Also behaving that way makes you a total asshat who more then likely does not read books anyway; in which case good luck & use protection.