Friday, October 4, 2013

How to tell if someone is an asshole: The comprehensive guide

Everyone wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror, and believes that they are a good person.  Unfortunately, this is bullshit, and I have more than enough anecdotal evidence to prove it.  I encounter way too many Douchey McDouchenstein's out in our 'civilized' world, for this to possibly be true.

If they can't be polite they're probably a dick. 

Here are several common scenarios that will help you identify a huge pompous jerk (or figure out if you are one).
People that don't say thank you when you hold the door, are probably assholes.

  • This one drives me fucking insane.  Unless you are a dementia laden old person who isn't sure I am a figment of your imagination, say 'thank you'.  Easy fucking peasy.

  • Conversely, you are 2 steps behind someone, and have been for at least half a block. SO close, that if you had your eyes closed, you could still sense that another human was near you, and yet when you enter the same building, guess what she doesn't do? Good job, that's right: Hold the fucking door.  Apparently they had calculated her daily schedule down to the second, and they just didn't have the 1 second to spare; otherwise they totally would have!!
PS.  The universal exception is the awkward distance scenario, see picture below:


J-Walkers are assholes. Drivers that don't let you cross in the crosswalk are also assholes.
  • Dude, we all live in the same country.  The rules of the road are pretty universal, you don't just run across the street (especially when there is a cross walk within your field of vision).  Yet, you chose to, and I politely obliged even though it causes an undue and dangerous flow in the traffic pattern, and I could have justifiably ended your life instead, and you can't even give me the 'thanks hand'?  Bro, not cool.  Not cool at all 

  • Conversely, if I am a law abiding pedestrian beginning my trek across the well marked pedestrian cross walk, and you see me, and then simply keep driving - you sir, are an asshole.  This happens to me all the time, and would be lying if I said I am not often tempted to pretend I have been struck to teach them a tough, but well deserved lesson.

Anyone who acts like a douche on the highway, is an asshole.
(Yeah, there are a ton of them, so I'll just touch on my 2 least favorite.)

#1.  The merging asshole.

  • I am often stuck in 5 o'clock stop and go traffic from hell, we have all been there.  Nobody likes it, it sucks, but it is what it is.
  • It does not suck more for 1 person than it does for all the rest of us poor schmucks who would rather be anywhere else after a long day of work, yet there is inevitably that 1 guy who feels he is entitled to not have to sit through it like the rest of us.
  • Situation:  The lanes are merging.  Everyone knows they are merging because the highway is a fucking parking lot.  You have the opportunity to watch every car in front of you merge for at least 10 minutes because you are stuck going 5 miles per hour and have nothing else to do. 
  • When it is finally your turn to complete the sacred dance called 'le merge', the dude who has been behind you in the other lane that's merging gets the sudden urge to pass  you at the last minute and cram his car in front of yours, so he can sit in front of you in the endless traffic, rather then behind you.  WHY was that so important to you; it defies my logic.
#2.  The cuts you off asshole.
  • You are driving down the open, relatively traffic-free road, doing the damn thing, when all of the sudden a rusted out 1998 Honda Civic from a cross street to your left whips out in front of you like a bat out of hell, forcing you to hit the brakes and swerve.
  • Once you have regained your composure, you check your surroundings.  There were no cars behind you, yet this guy could not wait the 0.008 seconds it would take for you to drive by before they nearly ended your life, so they could get to McDonalds for a fucking Shamrock Shake.
  • The 'coup de grace' is when they immediately afterwards, become the most speed limit abiding citizen in the world and go 5 mph under the speed limit for the remainder of your ride behind them.  It is as though you went from not existing when they pulled out, to transforming into a goddamn state trooper.  You already screwed up dude, keep going nuts so I can get to work on time.
People that are rude to wait staff, are super huge assholes.

Common Scenario:
Friendly Barista who deals with a million self-entitled yuppies all day (approximately 100/hour) all while making virtually no money:


"Good Morning, how are you?"

In a hurry, sunglass-inside-wearing, specialty coffee ordering S.O.B:

"Grande White Mocha, extra foam, 2 shots, no sugar." 

Translation: "I do not acknowledge you, you are only here to assist in my completion of consuming very rich, overpriced, and decadent caffeinated beverages.  Hurry along plebian."

Familiar scenario number 2.

Bubbly waitress who has a kid, goes to school full time, and works weekends to get by: "How's your steak?"

Asshole with smug look on their face: "Awful. I asked for medium rare.  Does this look like medium rare to you?"

Waitress:   "Oh, I'm so sorry, let me get that taken care of for you."
Asshole:   "Yeah." (it goes without saying they will also leave a measly/no tip)

They are not your slaves, you do not deserve to treat people however you want just because you have a credit card.  You're an asshole.

So that is the guide, at least now you can try to avoid these people, or start being an asshole back and see how they like it.  And if you're reading this and thinking to yourself, "Hey, I kind of do a thing like that sometimes", the good news is, it's not to late for you.  Refer to the chart in the beginning of the post, & you'll be back on track in no time.

I will leave you with these motivational pictures I found on the internet.