Friday, August 27, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Hope the beach holds as much joy and excitement for me as it did for this vacation goer. If I can see anything half as cool and weird as an old lady tumblin around in the waves like it wasnt nothing, or a redneck kid in underwear playing a flute then this will be a success.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Just when I thought my day could not get any better this just pops into my life like a cute little baby on my doorstep! Everything in life is better when you have your snuggie on, this is 100% true, and you bet your ass I own one (leopard print, so sexy) Best part of this ad: Snuggie centerfold, I always knew that snuggie dad was a creepy bastard.Goodnight world, I'm gonna go watch a show in my snuggie and pre-order my new black skull snuggie since I'm almost positive it's on back-order by now.
Ps. if you cant get enough snuggie hilarity, check out my personal fave:The WTF Blanket
(open link in new window/tab)
|"I have a lot of emotions."|
Okay this isnt really me (<--that is), but pretty much 75% of this has happened to me(mostly the car crashes, bike rides, and brutal falls). Anyways everyone loves a classic fail mash-up, and the house music that starts in around the 1:30 second mark makes it totally worth it if you weren't already convinced.
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Ya it's a long video, but if you're a woman like myself who realizes that her value to the outside world directly coincides with my age and depletes 5% with every year that goes by, then you listen to me when I tell you - we finally have something to live for (according to my homeboy Aubrey). You literally have no idea how excited this makes me! I live in absolute fear of the next approaching day, everyday of my life.
I cannot even begin to admit to you at age 21 the embarassing hoops I have jumped through to prevent aging, or how many schemes I have made to become someones young mistress (if only to avoid being some younger, hotter guys starter wife, ick). My fear of aging is absolutely pathetic (and yet completely rational). This man-genius/hero of humanity has forever changed my perspective. This was in 2005, so according to his logic I should be able to start taking my anti-aging supplements that will make me live to 1,000 any second now. Why has every major new outlet not broken this story!!!??? Thank me later ladies!
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Part of me was secretly jealous I have yet to find my own corner of the market of modeling where I belong and the other part of me was genuinely confused at how rampantly popular this shit is. I know I don't have a penis, but I thought I was at least a little clued in to what the male species gets off on. Turns out I clearly have no idea. Either way, its endlessly entertaining.
So first question, why havent women been pulling this scheme since the dawn of time? I mean now that it's out there doesn't this seem like the most ridiculously obvious crime ever? Like we women are stupid for not doing this at every possible opportunity that presents itself. Don't want to pay 7.99 for the singing hallmark card and gift bag for your shitty uncle?? BOOM tits in your face, PEACE. This is a foolproof method of never having to pay for shit.
But see us women are even trickier, we're like the devil. The devil would never appear to be evil in real life;he would disguise himself as something so appealing you wouldn't even realize it was bad. Well that's also the verbatum definition of a woman.
On second thought these two girls are idiots. Screw a few Euros how about instead I spend about 25 minutes of your Saturday night letting you think I'm the freshest best thing that's happened to you in ages, then all of the sudden closing time rolls around and you have an 80 dollar bar tab and I'm nowhere to be found.(Every hour 1 billion men are unknowingly duped out of their hard earned money by crafty women of the world just doing what we do best, taking shit from under your noses with 0 shame) So fuck gettin arrested on some bank surveillance camera for chump change, I'm gonna go trick some poor schmuck into bringing me on a tropical vaca like the great Rachel Uchitel. Peace.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Okay as completely grotesque and sad as this man's death and crimes were, I have to be honest here for a second. That ex-fiance is probably going to get on the news at some point and say how awful and tragic the whole thing was, because it is, but you know somewhere deep down inside she is feeling slightly satisfied that this doucher who was busy killing hookers and completely duping her into thinking that they were going to live happily ever after, used his final moments to literally write her name in blood as a testament to how bad he fucked up.
Basic fact of reality, men are not monogamous creatures and are probably going to cheat on you, if you are a smart woman you know that the real success comes when after they cheat on you they want to kill themselves and do shit like sign your name with their blood.
Ladies take notice. When a big ass fat guy in sweats owns you in every way imaginable on the sexiness/dance scale its time to take a look in the mirror. Throwing your hands up and wearing your Bogo heels to da' club just ain't gonna cut it anymore. So take a pole dancing class, get one of your slutty girlfriends teach you the ropes, or learn to love your awkward out of rhythm finger snaps and get reallll comfortable with the idea of probably never get laid again. After a performance like this you really can't blame men for expecting your A-game at all times, there really are no excuses for not working it out if this guy can.
Gary Busey is an absolute animal. God love this man for letting his freak flag fly and completely owning it, I mean look at that genuine crazy in his eyes, you cant fake that shit! Anyone who is 'scared' or 'freaked out' by Gary Busey is just jealous they can't let their inner commentary run on constant stream like this vigilante violator of social norms. Drink it down!!
|Why the hell does everyone think I'm crazy??|