Friday, August 27, 2010

Best exotic animal smuggling scheme ever.

Bangkok, Thailand (CNN) -- A live tiger cub hidden in a suitcase filled with stuffed toys was spotted as it went through a luggage X-ray at a major Thai airport, a wildlife trade monitoring network said.
Staff at Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi International Airport contacted authorities after a baggage scan showed an item resembling a real cat in a passenger's over-sized bag, the non-profit organization TRAFFIC said Thursday.
Investigators found a sedated, two-month-old tiger cub when they opened the bag for inspection.
Officials are trying to determine where the cub came from and whether it was caught in the wild or bred in captivity, TRAFFIC said.
Authorities found the tiger Sunday in a suitcase belonging to a 31-year-old Thai national, who was scheduled to board a flight for Iran, the organization said.
Chris R. Shepherd, TRAFFIC's deputy regional director for Southeast Asia, praised authorities for discovering the smuggling attempt, but said the case showed a need for more monitoring and tougher punishments.
"If people are trying to smuggle live tigers in their check-in luggage, they obviously think wildlife smuggling is something easy to get away with and do not fear reprimand," Shepherd said. "Only sustained pressure on wildlife traffickers and serious penalties can change that." this fo' real?  This seems like the type of hair-brained scheme that crosses my mind on a daily basis, but I never have the balls to go through with.  Like I see a cute puppy at the pet shop, realize I def dont have enough money, then look at my purse, size up whether I think the little creatures gonna fit, then give up and go buy a latte instead. 

I get that there's probably a market for smuggling exotic animals, but like was this their first time around the ring?  Can you just picture their brainstorming session, "Ok were gonna go to the jungle spend tons of money and risk life and limb tracking exotic baby tigers, and then to make sure the whole smuggling thing gets pulled off smoothly without any hiccups - lets just shove it in a suitcase at an international airport with x-ray machines, checkpoints, and security men with guns and hope the tiger doesnt take a shit in the suitcase"?  Not to mention they picked like the two scariest fucking countries on earth to go between, Taiwan and Iran, ya right!?  This whole thing sounds like a drunken high stakes bet gone wrong. Like I literally question bringing an apple or a 20 oz toothpaste through customs nowadays, but not these guys. 

And wouldn't you imagine that as they were putting the suitcase on the conveyer belt toward the x-ray machine they might have been like "uh this is probably not gonna fly," were they just hoping there was going to be a glitch or banking that the x-ray guy would be scratching his balls when the tiger went through?  These people had some big cajones or were probably the stupidest exotic animal smugglers of all time.  Regardless, I want that baby tiger.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Peacing out to the beach for a few days folks

Please don't worry I'll be back by the weekend, in the meantime I know you will all be desperately hitting your refresh button until my return.
Hope the beach holds as much joy and excitement for me as it did for this vacation goer. If I can see anything half as cool and weird as an old lady tumblin around in the waves like it wasnt nothing, or a redneck kid in underwear playing a flute then this will be a success.

Monday, August 23, 2010

ahhh pure unadultered joy!!!

Just when I thought my day could not get any better this just pops into my life like a cute little baby on my doorstep! Everything in life is better when you have your snuggie on, this is 100% true, and you bet your ass I own one (leopard print, so sexy) Best part of this ad: Snuggie centerfold, I always knew that snuggie dad was a creepy bastard.Goodnight world, I'm gonna go watch a show in my snuggie and pre-order my new black skull snuggie since I'm almost positive it's on back-order by now.

Ps. if you cant get enough snuggie hilarity, check out my personal fave:The WTF Blanket

Make it stop, please. (Self Esteem Community Centers?)
(open link in new window/tab)

"I have a lot of emotions."

For the love of God please watch this promo ad, actually dont.  It's embarrassing.  Women, can we possibly make ourselves look any more pathetic?  Now we need public service ads to remind us that we don't suck, really??  I'm really really so sorry to whoever's hard earned tax money went to fund this foundation, forget the fact that we're in a trillion dollar deficit.  Can you just imagine walking into this place, do you have no pride?  You might as well walk into a building with a big giant sign that says, "I SUCK".  

Here's a hint for you, lets imagine you have no actual priorities, hobbies, friends, real life problems,  a job, or a life and you have enough time to go to Self-Esteem Boston, dont.  Stop whining/having lunch dates at the cracker barrel with your equally unhappy girlfriends/mourning your divorce and pining over the guy at work who doesnt even know you exist/browsing the personals/paying monthly fees to the weight watchers subscription you never use and go drink a beer, get a hobby, and stop thinking so much!  No one really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy! And you didn't even have to pay for that advice.  You're welcome.

An accelerated montage of my life.


 Okay this isnt really me (<--that is), but pretty much 75% of this has happened to me(mostly the car crashes, bike rides, and brutal falls). Anyways everyone loves a classic fail mash-up, and the house music that starts in around the 1:30 second mark makes it totally worth it if you weren't already convinced.

Disgruntled letter of the day - Part Deux

This woman really has made going postal classy.  Sorry boys this one might not be your fave, but it's really too good to be ignored.  God I wish I was as funny as Wendy from Austin.
An Open Letter to James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor and Gamble
Dear Mr. Thatcher, 

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. 


Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Anti-aging miracle city (aka Thank God, I don't have to kill myself at 28 now!!!)

Ya it's a long video, but if you're a woman like myself who realizes that her value to the outside world directly coincides with my age and depletes 5% with every year that goes by, then you listen to me when I tell you - we finally have something to live for (according to my homeboy Aubrey). You literally have no idea how excited this makes me! I live in absolute fear of the next approaching day, everyday of my life.
I cannot even begin to admit to you at age 21 the embarassing hoops I have jumped through to prevent aging, or how many schemes I have made to become someones young mistress (if only to avoid being some younger, hotter guys starter wife, ick). My fear of aging is absolutely pathetic (and yet completely rational). This man-genius/hero of humanity has forever changed my perspective. This was in 2005, so according to his logic I should be able to start taking my anti-aging supplements that will make me live to 1,000 any second now. Why has every major new outlet not broken this story!!!??? Thank me later ladies!

Here, smell some pee.

Okay, are these people putting us on? First of all they start out in this makeshift scientific pee lab with their lab coats and some Mr.Bigglesworth evil cat graphic staring you down like "I'm about to make you smell my piss", and lets not gloss over the fact that her male lab partner is definitely a pedophile. Fine - be serious about your litter all day, we all need to make a buck, but just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder they bring in this sampling group who are just willingly smelling pee like they're sampling gelato, like where did you find these willing participants, is there someone behind the camera with a gun? They can't get enough of it. 
And just when it couldnt get ANY weirder, we find out the secret ingredient of the litter (because we're obviously dying to know) is CORN!, what, corn? what, and then there start eating it!? Can someone please just tell me this is a fake commercial already, or at least that they have a genius marketing team with a killer sense of humor??

Friday, August 20, 2010

Disgruntled letter of the day

There is a true art to the tactful - yet disgruntled letter, and this is where I will pay homage to all those who blaze the trail for us pussies who sit there and take it.  
So next time you want to go postal and have an Ashley Schaeffer style bat fight or cut your roommates hair off in her sleep, stop, dig out your old stationary kit, and write a good old fashioned pissed off letter.

This is how I feel inside when Barstool Sports and Jenna won't hire me

Like an extremely distraught chinese woman.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Things that make me pee a little

So this is the place where I will put the 'little things' that help get me through my day.  Today's feature:

Gothic Models

So about 10% of the weird girl population from my hometown has magically sprung out of awkwardness and become 'models'.  Immediately intrigued by the idea of how the nose picker from the back row is now a 'model'  I set out to do my research.  Turns out there is an ever-growing niche of modeling called 'alternative modeling' aka creepy 46 year old dudes taking non-paid pics of weird half-nude gothic girls pretend diking it out with bloody knives and hot topic corsets.  

Part of me was secretly jealous I have yet to find my own corner of the market of modeling where I belong and the other part of me was genuinely confused at how rampantly popular this shit is.  I know I don't have a penis, but I thought I was at least a little clued in to what the male species gets off on.  Turns out I clearly have no idea.  Either way, its endlessly entertaining.
Check it out for yourselves, (My favorite's Layla ;) )

The French aren't wrong about at least one thing (boobs)

Paris, France (CNN) -- French police believe they've gotten to the bottom of a series of robberies in which teenage girls exposed their breasts to distract men withdrawing money from Paris cash machines.  Two teenagers have been charged with three hold-ups, but they will be prosecuted as juveniles since they are under 18, according to the Paris prosecutor's office.  Police say that on August 7, a man inserted a card into a cash machine in central Paris to withdraw money when two young females approached him and asked for money. The girls waved a newspaper at the man in an attempt to distract him, but the technique didn't work.  So the girls tried another strategy: One of them bared her breasts and put her hand on the man's genitals while the other took the opportunity to withdraw 300 euros, police said.  The two teenagers also are accused of stealing a total of 400 euros in two other Paris ATM robberies on August 17, the prosecutor's office said.
CNN's Sarah Goddard contributed to this report

So first question, why havent women been pulling this scheme since the dawn of time?   I mean now that it's out there doesn't this seem like the most ridiculously obvious crime ever?  Like we women are stupid for not doing this at every possible opportunity that presents itself.  Don't want to pay 7.99 for the singing hallmark card and gift bag for your shitty uncle?? BOOM tits in your face, PEACE.  This is a foolproof method of never having to pay for shit. 

But see us women are even trickier, we're like the devil.  The devil would never appear to be evil in real life;he would disguise himself as something so appealing you wouldn't even realize it was bad.  Well that's also the verbatum definition of a woman. 

On second thought these two girls are idiots.  Screw a few Euros how about instead I spend about 25 minutes of your Saturday night letting you think I'm the freshest best thing that's happened to you in ages, then all of the sudden closing time rolls around and you have an 80 dollar bar tab and I'm nowhere to be found.(Every hour 1 billion men are unknowingly duped out of their hard earned money by crafty women of the world just doing what we do best,  taking shit from under your noses with 0 shame)  So fuck gettin arrested on some bank surveillance camera for chump change, I'm gonna go trick some poor schmuck into bringing me on a tropical vaca like the great Rachel Uchitel. Peace.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Bad breakup justice?

Okay as completely grotesque and sad as this man's death and crimes were, I have to be honest here for a second. That ex-fiance is probably going to get on the news at some point and say how awful and tragic the whole thing was, because it is, but you know somewhere deep down inside she is feeling slightly satisfied that this doucher who was busy killing hookers and completely duping her into thinking that they were going to live happily ever after, used his final moments to literally write her name in blood as a testament to how bad he fucked up.

Basic fact of reality, men are not monogamous creatures and are probably going to cheat on you, if you are a smart woman you know that the real success comes when after they cheat on you they want to kill themselves and do shit like sign your name with their blood.

Fat guy owns all female dancers

Ladies take notice. When a big ass fat guy in sweats owns you in every way imaginable on the sexiness/dance scale its time to take a look in the mirror. Throwing your hands up and wearing your Bogo heels to da' club just ain't gonna cut it anymore. So take a pole dancing class, get one of your slutty girlfriends teach you the ropes, or learn to love your awkward out of rhythm finger snaps and get reallll comfortable with the idea of probably never get laid again. After a performance like this you really can't blame men for expecting your A-game at all times, there really are no excuses for not working it out if this guy can.

Gary Busey is an animal

Gary Busey is an absolute animal. God love this man for letting his freak flag fly and completely owning it, I mean look at that genuine crazy in his eyes, you cant fake that shit! Anyone who is 'scared' or 'freaked out' by Gary Busey is just jealous they can't let their inner commentary run on constant stream like this vigilante violator of social norms. Drink it down!!

Leave Lindsay Lohan the F alone America

Why the hell does everyone think I'm crazy??

I'm wicked fucking sick of hearing everyone drone on about what a trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is.  Lindsay Lohan is fine, in fact Lindsay Lohan was fucking running shit living the American dream until everyone got up her ass trying to make her some posterchild for what's wrong with America.  Listen, Lindsay Lohan is a living legend, who else could have brought us young girls through our cut-throat highschool years with her amazing portrayal of Cady Heron in Mean Girls?  Then Paris Hilton and her evil reign of Hollywood bitches scooped her up and spit her out like an ironic real life mean girls;  Bitches.

Don't even pretend for one second if you were a 21 year old Lindsay Lohan chilling out in le deux at 2am looking all fucking sexy and being drunk and shit, (doing what every legit 21 year old girl should be), and fucking some cool as rappers and rich oil heirs came up and were like "Yo girl, come blow some lines in the bathroom", dont even pretend like you wouldn't jump on that like a fat girl on a blowjob.  It's Hollywood people, what else are you supposed to do??!!  Who doesn't like to throw caution to the wind while we're young and beautiful, and lets not forget the fact her parents are famewhoring sociopaths. 

And so what, she drove around a little cocked and with a couple of unwilling passengers in pursuit of her lesbian lover.  Who hasnt gone a little nuts and broke an ex's stuff or stalked the shit out of them, this is typical relationship stuff people.  Even my grandmother at dinner the other night was like "Did you hear Lindsay Lohan is getting out of jail early!"  Oh fucking scoff, stop watching Extra grandma you're 60 years old!  Go read a sale rack mystery novel and write a thank you letter to Cindy from the garden club.  Everyone's crying because some 20 something got a DWI, ya so do like 5 out ot 8 of your real life friends.  Perspective people perspective.  I wouldnt leave some sweet ass party in Cannes to go to boring ass court either.  You only live once.

So you go Lindsay Lohan, you do you, and in the famous words of Kevin Gnapoor, "Don't let the haters keep you down"