Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Ultimate Male Rating System

             Everybody knows that all men, including the fat dumpy ugly short hairy ones, think they have the legal right and obligation to judge every single woman and critique them down to the smallest details, despite their own obvious and offensive disgustingness.  Little do they know us women are just as ruthless and create a sport of doing the same thing to them, suck on that boys.  

You know when your walking through the bar and you see that table of hot girls pointing and laughing, and you quickly reassure yourself it can't possibly be about you because you're awesome?  You're wrong,  they are laughing at your entire existence. Today I thought I would share for you the simplest and most comprehensive rating system for judging all walks of men so you may do the same.
While in college my bitchy sorority friends and I would sit in the dining hall complaining about how ugly all the guys were at our school.  When the adjectives, gross, ugly, fat, poor, and weird became clearly not enough to express our contempt for the lack of major hotties we decided in a very scientific manner to create a male classification system, which I will illustrate for you today. 
Disclaimer:  This method is only viable for initial reactions only, all reactions are subject to mild reinterpretation once you get to know a guy.

Among the lowest rung of boyhood is what is what us women commonly refer to as:
The unmentionable is the grossest of the male species.  They are so nasty you wish you did not have to be punished with their presence, and are so pathetic and troubling to view in real life we distinguish them with a name that denotes our truest feelings - they are not even worth mentioning.  This is usually reserved for all fat short trolls who give no mind to their appearance or those men who are genetically cursed with asymmetrical faces and puny pathetic statures.  While it is sad and often beyond their control, these people do not exist.
Slightly higher are what we call:  1's
 Being a 1 means you are not insanely ugly or at all remotely good looking.  Basically you are nothing special.  I would talk to you in class if you were force-ably made to be my lab partner, but if I had my pick I would avoid you like an STD, and I would refuse outright if you ever tried to study with me outside of class.  Most men, sorry guys, fall into this category.
A 2 is basically the boy next door.  He probably lives down the hall from you in your dorm.  He is the quintessential guy friend.  A 2 is cute but never hot.  They may have a crush on you and you might go to parties with them but you do not want to bang them.  While they hold a wealth of secret male potential, you never go out of your way for a 2.  A 2 may have a great body and bad face or vice versa.  The question that distinguishes if he is a 2 or a 1 is very simple, if he asked you to hang out one on one, or go on a date, would you consider saying yes?  If you think you might even a little, he is definitely a 2.
The Sought After and Rare: 3
Admit it, you are not even finished reading this sentence and you have already thought about doing something nasty with these guys.  A man is a 3 when as soon as you see him you think skanky thoughts and know instantly you would break all of you non-slut rules if he asked you to hang out.  They are often athletes, business men, uniformed service officers, and down and dirty general laborers.  Basically your first instinct is to bang and procreate with these individuals.  If you see a guy and start feeling slutty, he's a 3.

The i-factor is the 1 and only card that may allow a guy to jump to a higher category.  This rating system is based on looks alone, but if a guy is a 1 or 2 and has some intangible interesting/musician/funny man type quality, he may attributed with an i-factor and is fair game to date, hang with, bang, whatever.  There's something fucking cool about this guy even though he's not a bona fide hottie. 

Important Note: this system also works in increments of .5's, for example, you can have a 1.5 meaning maybe you would go to the library to study with them, or a 2.5 i-factor which usually is the best combination possible for a boyfriend because they are hot enough to want to date but not so hot they already banged all your friends etc.


  1. your a bitch fuck off i bet your a ugly fatty

  2. relax honcho, it's all in good fun.